Note from Kenny & Michelle Crouch

Kenny & I are living a parent’s worst nightmare----the loss of a child.

It is yet again 2:44 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I’ve tried various sleeping aids, but none seem to be able to keep this nightmare from recurring and bringing me to reality-----the fact that I lost my only child to suicide.

On December 14, 2005 our lives were changed forever. This is the day our son, Jacob, decided he no longer wanted to live on this earth. He shot and killed himself in his bedroom where he lived with 3 of his fraternity brothers. He was 24 years old and was to graduate from college 3 days later. I had sent out invitations to immediate family for a small party on December 17th to celebrate his graduation; but instead, we all gathered together at his funeral on that day.

Jacob loved life. To say this seems so ironic, yet it is true. He loved being with family at get-togethers and he truly loved being with his friends. We were and still are at a loss as to why Jacob would have done this. I have read so many books on the subject of suicide, trying to find something to help me make sense of this senseless act, but this is an answer I will never find in any book.

As I read his death certificate, it stated the obvious: self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head. His secondary cause of death was severe depression. The coroner did not find drugs or alcohol in Jacob’s system, but he did deduce that severe depression was the reason he took his life. Yes, there are other reasons people take their own lives, but depression is the #1 cause of suicide. What I have decided to accept is that Jacob must be very typical of those who end their life by suicide: he was suffering from a mental illness called depression, but he chose to hide his pain. He must have been suffering so intensely that he just wanted to end that pain.

But, let’s get back to my Jacob. He is (I can’t get away from using the present tense when talking about him. I forget that Jacob “is” no longer) he was very, very popular, tremendously funny and had a wonderful personality. Everyone gravitated to him. He was a leader, was very charismatic but even more, he was such a people person. I could go on and on with the adjectives that would describe someone who seemed to have everything anyone his age would envy, yet, he obviously was lacking something so crucial to his happiness, he ended the life he seemed to love so much.

I could torture myself for the rest of my days and ask “why”: why didn’t I see Jacob’s pain; why didn’t he turn to me or his dad for help; why didn’t he turn to his friends for help; why didn’t he realize we would have gone to the ends of the earth to help him; did I not love him enough, did he not love us enough, etc., etc. I do know the answer to some of these. Jacob knew Kenny & I adored him. He knew we would have done anything for him. I also know Jacob loved me enough---he and I spoke to each other almost everyday on the phone and no matter where he was, who was within earshot, he always told me he loved me before he hung up.

I can remember seeing Jacob in the days right before that fateful Wednesday, December 14, 2005; whether it was Sunday, Monday or Tuesday, for the life of me, I just can’t remember. Whatever day it was, he was his usual self, just so loving. I do know if I would have seen him or talked to him on December 14th, I know he could not have completed that horrible act that day; maybe that is why I couldn’t reach him on his cell phone. He knew I would have done what I always did when I saw him or spoke to him: I would have hugged him, told him how much I loved him and told him that I couldn’t live without him, if anything ever happened to him (that was my way of telling him to take care of himself).

This foundation grew out of a need to try and make sense of Jacob’s death. If he was so depressed why did he not speak out? Why did he not turn to us, or to his friends, or to anyone who could help him realize that there were options? It is our goal to help prevent others from having to live through what we are living through: the guilt, the loneliness, and the horrible pain.

In closing, I’d like to address three groups of people:

(1) If you are among the many who have said to me that you don’t think you could possibly do what I am doing, please don’t think I am special. I was like you once before, thinking I could never live if I lost my child. I am only able to do this thing called living through the grace of God. I pray every day and night for our loving God to give me the strength and courage it will take to get me through another day. Part of my prayer is to also thank God for the beautiful gift He gave me in my son Jacob. We had 24 years with this wonderful loving and giving young man and our memories will keep him alive in our hearts forever.

(2) If you are in this pitiful group of suicide survivors (those who have lost a loved one to suicide), then we are sharing in this horrible pain. I hope you have a wonderful support system, including family and friends to help you cope. But more importantly, I hope you can turn to God and let your faith guide you. Our God is a loving God and He will be there for us, we just need to ask for His help and guidance. We cannot understand why things happen, but that is part of the mystery of life. Hopefully your faith can get you through the many dark days you will experience.

(3) Most importantly, to anyone reading this who has or is contemplating suicide, please, please talk to someone and get help. Your problems may seem insurmountable, but remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Your death would devastate so many people, people who love you dearly. You are a child of God and there is a purpose for your life. You may not see that right at this moment, but you are so loved.

For my beautiful Jacob, we will love you forever,
Your Mom and Dad